#5

BFN. 

It’s getting more and more difficult with each try. Emotions are high as are frustrations and it would all be worth it if we received a positive result. We’re doing all that we can to help it on its way. It seems as though we are helpless to this process. 

It’s hard being on the other end of the examination table, just being the supportive partner and not really being able to contribute in any other tangible way.  I wish I could do more. I wish I could produce sperm… I wish it wasn’t so expensive even with insurance. 

Staying positive and optimistic, while it is our nature to do so, is getting less and less natural. We want to keep the hope, still the reality of logic and our knowledge of healthcare creeps in and breaks our hearts more over.

 I want this so much for her, for us, for our families. I would love to create a family where each of us brought a child into it. So Megan could see her genes in motion and create a bond with her own biological child like she has with her mother.  I know, any child we are blessed with will be amazing and ours…still its a really big dream to let go of for her. 

We have one more try left with Megan. All the research and statistics say our chances decrease significantly, but we’re still going for it. We have to. 

We’re doing a couple of other things we’ve heard were helpful for others. Acupuncture, chiropractor, Megan is even going to see a trusted family psychic. 

Taking a month off again. Probably back at it in Nov. 

(Which as a side note, makes my own ticking uterus quiver with anticipation “when can it be my turn!?” More on that later…possibly…it seems selfish,  but it’s there)

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The many mini honeymoons

Hey there!  This summer was fantastic just what we needed. We fell into a good cyclic routine of working, packing,  traveling and, playing. 

First, was San Francisco. It was wonderful.  We walked everywhere. One day I think my fit bit said I got 75 flights of stairs from all the hills. We met up with friends who live there and he showed us around like a superb tour guide. We saw Acatraz, and bought a gay pride flag in the Castro and meandered around golden gate park after Haight & Ashbury and I ate oysters at fisherman’s wharf (it’s an acquired taste…) and each morning we ate breakfast at a little cafe. Of course we also saw Brandi and of course she was spectacular. It was fun to explore a new city with my love. 

The next mini honeymoon we went on was camping. It’s a park we’ve been meaning to go to for a while.  The park itself was beautiful, it had a creek which had trout in it. Trout can survive there due to the spring that feeds the creek and the temperature it provides. The park also features cave tours! There was only a little bit of the cave we could see but cave explorers have found at least 13 miles of underground tunnels and caverns. It was good to get some rest and relaxation after the fast paced San Francisco trip. Plus, we were able to bring the doggos, and they so enjoy that more than being left behind.  

Then, it was on to Ely and the cabin for the family vacation.  We got the nieces walkie talkies, which were initially just a foresight to have a warning when they heading over to our cabin from theirs, but they turned out to be a hit and the highlight to the experience for both of them. Here we just lazed about. I read, Megan walked, we all shopped, the nieces swam, I beat Megan at cribbage… It was good to be together away from the hustle and bustle of the day to day. 

After that it was time to gear up for folk fest. What a great time that was.  Music festivals are how life should be. So much community and so many good people who all come together for the sake of music. My sister and my niece came with and they both had a great time too. My favorite memory was the second to last night we still had a bunch of glow Sticks we hadn’t used yet so I decided to make a labyrinth with them. As hippies are drawn to glowing lights at a festival, ours became the campsite to migrate to in the area. As people entered the labyrinth, my sister and I (tipsy as we were) serenaded people with their “life’s song.” I always hope I have a little bit of the festival spirit with me. 

The last big trip we went on was a loop through the upper peninsula of Michigan and back down around to come home. My MIL has a lot of family out there and doesn’t like to make the drive by herself. It was a cool trip. We stayed in a tiny house and found a new hobby of playing mini golf. It was great to reconnect with some of Megan’s cousins and see the family who lives far away. 

Now things have calmed a bit. I mean of course we still find time for fun and adventures, but I think we’re slowing down. We went to a fun place to carry on our new found passion for mini golf. 

And there will be drive in movies to see coming up and we musn’t forget about Halloween (I’m off this year!) I think this summer is exactly what we needed though. Some time to play before we started trying to build our family again. Which  (shhhh, we’re telling nobody this go round) we’ve started again. We’re smack dab in the middle of our TWW! Send good fertile vibes 🙂 

Summer break

We are taking the summer off from baby making. We are trying to listen to the Universe and hear what it’s saying. In our opinion, it’s saying have the summer together to play. So that is what we will do. A summer of mini honeymoons, if you will.

First honeymoon of the summer is San Francisco. We’re staying on a boat. In the ocean. I cannot wait to wake up to sunrise through the fog from the bow of our sailboat! To explore a new place with Megan is sure to be a fun adventure and I cant wait to share the experience with her. We also will get to see our favorite band. Brandi. Cannot Wait!

We leave in less than a week. I will take lots of pictures to share.

The results

BFN folks.  The kicker? We were out for a walk when we received the call with the results. It opened up and poured rain on us once we heard the news. I told Megan, “I’d walk in the rain with you any day.” 

We’re gonna take the summer off to play and regroup. We’ll come up with another plan with our doctor and start again in July or August. 

A silent wanting

Megan and I have been working on a little project together since the beginning of the year. One that is very near and dear to our hearts. One that has sent us for a little bit of a ride. We have been trying to get pregnant!

I did’t share this on here at first because…truthfully, I wanted share just the news that we WERE pregnant and move on from there. I didn’t want to share we were TRYING because by saying “trying”… in my head (and heart) it implies there is a chance we wont succeed. I will let that emotionally charged thought simmer while I catch you up on the details.

Right after the wedding we went into our primary care doctor and told her we wanted to start out on the journey towards parenthood. She led us down the path of IUI and recommended some clinics we could go to. We did some calling around and found a clinic near to us which was covered under our insurance. Something I have been so grateful for throughout this process; our insurance covers all of our clinic visits 80%. Everything but the sperm.

We found our sperm from a bank. There were a few things that both Megan and I were looking for in a donor. Blue eyes for Megan, wavy hair for me, a little taller because we are both on the short side, adventurous spirit, enjoys the outdoors, driven, kind…after all those details it starts to feel a little bit like an online dating site. I will spare you that. We told our clinic on the first visit our intentions of using donor sperm. Due to this we needed to attend a psychiatric evaluation “for parents using donor sperm” to address the seriousness of this decision. It sure felt a lot like discrimination. I mean this person could literally “stop, pause or go ahead” our family planning process.

The psychiatric evaluation landed on the day after the election…. We gathered ourselves and put on our big girl britches and out psyched that LMFT the whole session, we are psychiatric nurses after all.  Every question she had for us, we had a well thought out answer. Every detail she asked about, we had several solutions. She even shared she once worked at the same hospital as we currently do, and likely had Megan’s mother as her boss. (Who, by the way, is our day care provider, ready and willing, living 2 miles away from us, in good health.) This therapist didn’t mention sperm, or donor sperm once. It was completely and evaluation of whether or not Megan and I would be good parents, our strength as a couple, and if we had enough resources to adapt to a child. Infuriating, but we passed and continued on our process.

Our fertility doctor suggested some preliminary tests we could do, but didn’t need to do in order to ensure Megan’s body was doing all the right things to produce a successful pregnancy. She also indicated she had no reason to believe her body wasn’t doing all the right things.  We opted out of those tests. Everything is regular and she has had no issues with her period so Megan and I felt safe (and excited) to just have a go.

The last test we waited on was Megan’s CMV status test. She turned out negative. Our donor is Positive. Usually they recommend you go with negative donor sperm if you are negative yourself. We talked with our fertility doctor and she said there is little chance of the mother contracting the virus through pregnancy and isn’t harmful to her. IF the fetus also contracts the virus in utero (which is even rarer) there may be congenital defects (even rarer still) such as developmental delay or deafness. We decided to move forward. The chances were small and we really jived with him. Last thing we had to wait for was CD1.

The clinic we go to is an aggressive fertility clinic. Meaning they do all they can to get their patients knocked up. Including fertility drugs. Which they have Megan taking, hopefully increasing our odds at this pregnancy thing. Clomid; its cool, helps create follicles. Ovidrel; subQ shot (which is fun, as a nurse, to administer to my wife :)) to trigger ovulation and… Progesterone. Nobody likes progesterone. Not in this house, at least.  We call them “vagi-pills” to make light of how much we dislike progesterone.

Three unsuccessful cycles of this. Each one had special meaning. The first was the new year, the second vacation, Megan’s birthday…Valentine’s Day, the third grandparent’s birthdays and St. Patrick’s Day… The clinic keeps wanting to do the same thing and we trust them so we do. Though, we do get scared because that awesome insurance which covers everything? The catch is, they only cover six tries. So we do what we can.

Through the first few times trying, there were things that rested on our hearts about our first donor. He wasn’t Irish, at all, and Megan is very Irish and proud. 6’10 beside our 5’1″ started to look alarming distant in real life. Also, carrying a baby who’s donor was 6’10” might not be so easy on a 5’1″ body. He was anonymous.

Being anonymous at first was appealing. Then we talked to friends who were adopted, and watched that popular movie about the kid from India being adopted by the cute Australian couple…After that we Totally got hooked on a new TV series about twins or triplets or something… (side note, I very well know the names of these movies/series, but I don’t want to type them out for fear they come up on someone’s google search) The anonymity weighed the heaviest on my heart. I don’t want to deny my future children the opportunity to one day meet the other half of their genetic make up.  Its a natural desire to want to know where you came from. If I have the option to give them that opportunity, I want to give it to them. Also, that CMV thing… if we were thinking about switching things up, might just as well do that to. So we did. And instead of his number (like we did for the first one) we’re calling him “Cork.” Megan said it was a good Irish name. I went with it.

We inseminate tomorrow. Try 4.  Pray for us, send good vibes, burn some sage or incense, meditated on it…do what you do… if you are inclined. Also, throw some ideas out of what we could do during a TWW… they are the WORST things to wait on.

 

 

 

Adulting…looking like a teenage boy.

New washer, dryer and dishwasher.  Heck yeah! Clean all the things! We were planning on the washer dryer combo, they were ancient and since we also recently got a water softener,  they were due. The iron was caked on from our well water and the washer dryer combo had passed their prime. The water softener has a special filter to control iron so going forward the new appliances shouldn’t need to work so hard to clean. And our clothes, particularly the white items, won’t come out a tinge orange anymore!  The dishwasher was an added bonus.  It had a timely death,  so we just tacked it on to the rest. Boy is it quiet, no more thunderous dishwashing at our house, quiet as a mouse…and that’s no invitation to the mouse living in the former appliance to return to set up residence in the new one. Just a figure of speech.

Of note,  it is much more challenging to be taken for a serious adult when you look like this…  

Adult braces friends. Bring on the pureed foods. And alcohol, cuz man do they hurt…yes, yes…I have ID. A year and a half of this, I can do it. 

Wedding picture dump

Now that the holidays are fully over (thank goodness! I love them but man do they interrupt our normal schedules…in more ways than one..) I can finally share all the wedding pictures! We used wedding pictures as gifts for friends and family because well, our pictures were spectacular. Here are just a few of my favorites. Enjoy!

It was perfect. Now we are moving on to married life and doing adult-y married things. I couldn’t be happier. I truly married my best friend and soul mate.

More love, more life, more everything!