Overnight rush

On Friday, yes Friday the 13th, I had my last ultrasound before IUI#3. It was day 10 of my cycle. R – 19×16 & a smaller one I don’t remember be cause it was too small to be memorable. L- had a couple but they were much smaller in comparison to the huge one on the right. Lining- 9.1.

At day 10 in my cycle I thought we had a couple of days still to get things in order as I usually don’t ovulate until day 15. I was thinking insem in five days, but nope, they wanna insem on Monday. Side note: we told our favorite nurse that this would be our last IUI cycle before moving to reciprocal IVF. She cried with us as we became emotional while telling her this. On Friday she told us her plan for our insem was to have both her and the doctor be there hoping to make this the “perfect insem.” So sweet.

Back to our reason to panic in regard to the timeline. We hadn’t ordered sperm yet. Frantically we placed an order for overnight delivery on our sperm. It has an anticipated delivery time of 10:30 on Monday. Exactly when my appointment is. I called the clinic and told them what was up. Some tech, who doesn’t know anything about us, told us that if the sperm wasn’t there in time for our appointment we would need to cancel this cycle. Queue somewhat borderline catasprophizing behavior from yours truly. I’m okay now, but at the time, I felt stupid and as though this was a sign indicating I wasn’t organized enough or proactive enough to become a parent and “there is no way it could ever work.” Not my proudest moment, but I moved past it.

In the mean time I am obsessively tracking my package as it comes to MN from VA. There is a massive snow storm, in April, backing things up a bit I am sure. It is on its last leg though and I am hopeful

Tonight I will trigger ovulation as late as possible within the window the RE wants me to in case I need to wait for a half an hour as my sperm thaws because it arrives exactly as I do for our appointment of my last IUI. Who knows, Either that or I have one more last, last IUI.

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IUI#2

BFN.

We’ve decided we’re going for one more IUI then there are some drastic measures we’ve been talking about.

Reciprocal IVF. Her bun(s) my oven.

Create

My word for this year is create. I love crafts and art, but I don’t make a point to spend time doing those things with any regularity. So I try to shift my focus by using my word. Sometimes it works, sometimes I slip back into old habits. I thought I would share some of my paintings from this year to take my focus off TTC stuff. (8dpiui btw)

For my MIL for her birthday. It’s her matriarch. 

One I started right before our second iui. In progress, gonna add leaves and more detail on the babe. 

The Deets

Endo: 10

R: 20×16

L: 22×12 & 14×7

Trigger tomorrow night with insem on Monday.

Insem is a day before Ostara, but on our way to pick up Gram’s birthday dinner this evening, Megan and I saw 12 eagles.

I found a bracelet with this year’s word for myself on it. “Create.”

I will take those God winks and read into them far too much.

Im still secretly (not so secretly) hoping for twins.

Begin again

On Friday I go in for an ultrasound to measure follicles. I have been taking Clomid 50 mg day 4 – 8 of my cycle. Friday will be day 12.

I am still hopeful and doing my best. Vitamins, baby aspirin, trying to focus on good clean whole foods. But I am human. I had a drink, or two, after a really long work week. I also ate fries, they were delicious. I notice that I am a bit more detached from this cycle though. Not to say I am less invested, still hoping and praying and seeing god winks everywhere that,  “this is they cycle, this one will work for us, I’m going to get pregnant.” I’m just trying to balance it out with the reality that the IUI success rates for same sex couples using frozen donor sperm at our clinic is 13%.

13%….. these statistics are pretty specific to Megan and I. Its saying that women’s whose only presumable fertility complication is her partner cannot provide sperm have a 13% chance of becoming pregnant using sperm which is prepared to do the job.  I realize it’s science and nature and all that, but that doesn’t seem like very good odds if you ask me.

With this information in the back of my mind I am tempted to throw the towel in on the clinic and say “fuck it, lets do this at home.” Put some magic in it, make it less painful, more romantic and less sterile. That’s a whole other conversation Megan and I have begun, but never really finished.

I’m hopeful. Trying to connect to nature and the seasons. Pull in the energy of spring and fertility. If I am tracking my cycle correctly I should ovulate on Ostara, spring equinox which begins the celebration of earth’s fertility (I’m new to this, but it feels right… another blog post.) Megan and I have been seeing eagles extremely often, and it is a belief I have adopted from her that when you see an eagle, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

(Side note; The day we got our BFN we were with Megan’s niece at the time so I couldn’t emote much. When I could finally cry and talk things through with Megan alone we were in the car on the way to her parent’s. As we were talking and asking our Grandparents to send our children to us, two eagles circled around us very close to tops of the trees. Our children are close to us I can feel their spirits in my shaundo.)

But then again, it is spring. Ice is melting and the rivers are opening up making it prime time for eagles to come out a bit more to get those lethargic frozen fish.

Its a difficult and cruel teeter-totter being both logical and a mystic.

BFN

Not much to say beyond that.  Gonna mourn, snowboard and eat Bleu cheese this weekend while waiting for AF. Then we’re gonna try again right away.  Keep you posted.  

Work & Emotions

11pdiui 10dpO

I have been all over the place emotionally as of late. Teary and irritable mostly. I am sure its the progesterone suppositories I am on. Speaking of which, my lady parts are becoming increasingly irritated with those “vagi-pills” as we call them.

I will cry over the silliest stuff. A beautiful harmony on my favorite artist’s newly released album, a story about compassion I stumble across on social media, looking at pictures of a baby… and then I will get really angry at myself for being so emotional.

I recently made the mistake of divulging our TWW stats and symptoms to a co-worker who said that my gassy/full feeling was “Nothing” which has gotten into my head and made me feel silly for thinking that could be a positive sign. This person has had several of her own children (none planned I might add, so how would she know what to look for early on?) and is a self proclaimed expert on pregnancy, birth and child rearing. Of note, this person is not a nurse, nor does she have any medical or psychological training at all. This is to say, I’m not sure why I take her un-thoughtful words to heart so much, but they stung. I have decided that regardless of the results of Friday’s blood work I am going to tell her “you know all of this is very vulnerable and I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it”…. I will leave of the “with you” that seems too “extra”

The other thing that was a surprising kick in the gut was: yesterday I showed up to report (a daily pre-work meeting we nurses do to discuss our patients) and find out a co-worker who typically works on another unit which is more acute (more aggressive kids, more likely to get hurt) will now be working on our unit due to the fact that she is 15 weeks pregnant. I felt sad and SUPER jealous.

Another co-worker who I work with predominately has been extremely sweet about everything. We had an emergency situation on the unit the other day (a kid was a danger to themselves and needed to be restrained/medicated) and this co-worker ordered me (in the kindest way ever) to do one of the easiest tasks on the unit during those times when I brought mediation and supplies into the situation for her. Later she gently asked if that was okay and in the future if I would be comfortable just doing the “easy stuff” automatically and allowing her to handle the scary/potentially harmful stuff. She is so sweet, and I am holding back tears now writing about it.

Symptoms:

-Still feeling full/gassy in my uterus.

-Emotional/Irritable (probably progesterone)

-Low grade cramps which feel like AF started about 9dpIUI and continuing till about 11dpIUI (I dont typically get those until a day or two before CD1) now they are gone but return intermittently (implantation??)

-Sharp pains in my uterus on occasion when I am bending over.

-HOT… always hot and my BO is fierce in the AM

-Lots of peeing (could be b/c I am downing 64 oz of water a day)

That’s it.

 

 

More love, more life, more everything!