All posts by Amanda

I am in my early thirties and just about to take the bull of life by the horns. I live with my partner, Megan, our dogs Milo and Auryn and my 2 cats, Kodah and Zoey. There are a lot of exciting things about to take shape and I hope to share them with you in this forum along the way.

A sense of urgency

A week before Christmas, Megan’s dad had a heart attack. He is okay and back home but in the wake of that, we are both extremely motivated to make this baby thing happen ASAP.

BFF is still willing to donate. After his brother (who is also a good friend of ours) educated him that trying to have a baby takes some time and not to suggest things that aren’t helpful, he is still on board.  We aren’t going to be that passive though.

While we continue to try with BFF we are going to start the process of reciprocal IVF. Megan’s mom has offered in the past, and the offer is still on the table, to fund IVF for us.  This is something I have been resistant to for multiple reasons. It feels a whole lot like taking advantage of privilege. What happens to my body autonomy when I’m carrying bab(ies) my MIL paid for. What about parenting child(ren) she paid for? Will parenting be mine and Megan’s decision making independently or will my MIL feel entitled to inserting herself into that as well?

My MIL is great with boundaries. I have no reason to believe she will overstep her roll in any way. The way I was raised however, gifts, especially gifts of that caliber, always come with strings attached. It’s something I am going to need to get over I feel.

2018 showed me many times in varying ways that my in-laws are more my family than my own. This fact is difficult to digest as I have only known them for 5 years. I think the hardest component of accepting them as my primary family is knowing Megan will always be their number 1, as she should be, she is biologically theirs. I just don’t feel there is anyone in  my corner if you will. When it comes to family conflicts between Megan and I, parenting, family dynamics etc, I know they will choose her side, as they should. It still doesn’t take away from the fact my in laws have been more “family” to me than ever since I knew them.

Anyway, that’s where we are. Continuing to try with BFF while we prep for IVF. Megan’s buns my oven.

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The wait is over

I peed on a stick this morning and it was negative. No signs of AF yet, but she’s due tomorrow.

We told BFF of the results and he said he wanted to “discuss some things.” Upon pressing from my wife he asked how many times we wanted to try and if we have “considered adoption b/c we could really change a kids life.”

It felt like a slap in the face. I know I am emotional (this is an emotional roller coaster) but seriously we’ve tried twice with him. As I have mentioned before he’s done nothing to change his lifestyle (drinking all the beer, smoking all the cigarettes, eating all the fried food) and, with his apparent frustration that this hasn’t worked yet, I assume he feels his seed is magic and should just work on the first or second try. Newsflash! Most people try at this for about a year!

I signed up for the known donor website in an emotional rage. Im navigating it slowly. Sad news is, there seems to be no donors near us here in MN.

In any case, we were going to skip the next cycle. I am meant to Ovulate on the 25th and, well with the holidays, that just wont work.

I’m feeling very defeated…

Day 1

Period started late last night. If I was a normal person who worked regular shifts I wouldn’t have noticed it until this morning. Today will be the first official full day, day 1.

On my period tracking app it’s adjusts my previous cycle to line up with adjustments as they occur. When I entered today as day 1 it adjusted my ovulation from last cycle forward into Nov a couple of days. Which probably means we inseminated too early last cycle.

Honestly the OPKs and me listening to my body were right. So more of that next cycle, less relying on an app.

We’re hoping to tell BFF a range of a week when we’ll call on him. Pee on plenty of sticks and listen to my body and inseminate when it feels right and looks right vs planning it all out.

Ultimately, I think we needed a good practice run to get the jitters out anyway.

Usually I reward myself, or offer myself condolences with, a libation or two when my period shows up. This time, I’m not going to. At least not overboard. I’ll have a glass of wine at thanksgiving dinner, but not much after that. My thought process with this is mostly. “I can’t control the amount of subtancing BFF does so I’ve got to control my own.” Also “I need to treat my body as if I am already pregnant. In all the ways I envisioned treating myself when I get that positive, I need to do that now.”

And besides these notions will help me move into the next phase of my life. I’ve been feeling it coming, but not stepping over into it. It’s time to step over now. For myself and my future maybe baby.

Results

My period was due yesterday so obviously I POAS, negative, but no period showed up. No signs of a period either. None today either… if still no sign by this weekend I’ll do another test. It’s just like my menses to mess with me like this…

Keep you posted.

Well that was awkward

So we insemed this past week.

I have been tracking my cycle on my fit bit app and it has been pretty accurate. I also POAS. Working with advise we have received here and with other research we have done we decided go time was when the faintest of faint second lines showed up. Giving the little swimmers a bit of a head start to get the egg when she actually makes an appearance.

He came over after rush hour. We tried to have normal conversation, but we were all so anxious knowing what we were actually there for, it was no use to attempt to make this “normal” hanging out.

I explained the process, went into my nurse educator roll and shoved those awkward feelings aside.. We used pre-seed lube, both for him and for me. We also used a soft cup both as a receptacle and as an insemination device. With what I have read, this combo is the ticket. Less transfer of the spoof and therefore more safety for the lil guys.

While BFF was upstairs, I was laid out in our bedroom attempting to get in the mood. Megan got the spoof from BFF and said her giggled goodbyes. Then transferred the spoof over to me.

I don’t have a lot of experience with the stuff… there was a lot more and it was a lot less viscous than I thought… but Megan said, from what she has experienced, it seemed pretty normal to her.

I opted to hover over the edge of the bed in a sort of squatting position to get the soft cup in. From videos I have seen on the soft cup itself, this is the surest way to get it over my cervix and in the proper position. As I was inserting it, when the last little bit went in, some of the spoof splashed over and onto my hand… GROSS! Next time, if there is a next time, we must have a towel ready for that. After my initial grossed-out-ness passed, I worried that it ALL splashed over. Still, once the cup was in place, I managed a quick O and then hoisted my hips into the air for about 15 min, then re-adjusted (nothing spilled out during the move BTW)to upstairs and was hips in the air for about another 20 min, before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept the cup in for 12 hrs. When I took it out there was nothing in it. Part of me is worried it did all splash out, and another part of me is hopeful that at least some of it manage to find its way to the right place.

I continue to POAS as I was worried we did it too soon. My line keeps getting darker, so that is promising. We were only able to do it that one time, I had hoped for at least one more, but with our schedules and the awkwardness, Megan and I were happy with just one for this cycle.

And now we wait.

 

CD1

I haven’t marked a day one in my planner all spring or summer so it feels different to mark it down. With the contract with BFF signed and notarized we are moving forward with this cycle. It feels rather liberating to have intentions to TTC without calling the clinic to schedule a baseline ultrasound. Or order more prescriptions to make my body do what it already was doing, but in a more time sensitive way for the clinic. I feel like Megan and I have more autonomy. It’s an interesting feeling to have taken back all our own control after giving it all away when we started our TTC process. Empowering one might say. Its a good feeling.

I ovulate on Oct 31st. It’s my favorite holiday.  I’ll keep you posted.

Dinner Discussions

A couple weeks ago BFF and his partner came over to discuss the contract. Megan and I were so anxious and prepared for the worst but hoped for the best.

We made pulled pork, southwest salad and potato wedges. (Still working on the food in moderation thing, I think it will be a life long challenge.)

The conversation started awkwardly. I mean how else do you start a conversation with your best friend about making a baby?

He’s on board! He wants to be our donor and is excited and honored to do so. There are just a couple of things he wanted changed in the contract to align with what is in all of our hearts.

First, he asked that any of the “non family” language get removed from the contract. He assured us that any child(ren) born for his donations would be legally ours and he agreed the language of us being the primary parents ought to be in there. As well as the language that he has, by his donation and agreement to this contract, relinquished all paternity rights. He just feels as though he will be family with any child(ren) who are born. An uncle of sorts. Someone more than “mom’s best friend.” We are so totally down with that. In fact it is closer to what we imagined when we thought of asking him to be our donor, so out with the “non family” language.

Second, he asked that we are honest with any future children about how they came to be and that our agreement to this honesty also be included in the contract. Our only stipulation with this is that we want to ensure any future child(ren) are emotionally and cognitively prepared for the story of their conception and birth. He agreed. So in when the language of honesty when the future kiddos are ready. Which in all honesty, was our intention anyway. Its why, even when we were purchasing sperm (save for the first 2 tries), we chose an ID option donor.

Beyond that, he seems excited. He wants to be involved as much as is appropriate while still acknowledging my wife and I as primary parents. We also discussed our willingness to allow his parents to be involved in any future child(ren)’s lives. We were all in agreement though, that we need not tell a lot of people about this so as to help keep it all private and more easily protect future child(ren.)

So the contract was updated and will be signed. BFF wants to get some tests done to make sure he is in good health and then we are moving forward. Hopefully in November.

I have already purchased some pre-seed lube…